That's Not Very Funny
by somethingthennumbers
Summary: Fruit gets smashed, Helena gets drunk, the team orders pay-per-view, there's confetti, explosions, fights, pecan pinwheels, and we learn some fun facts about Steve. Oh yeah, and Myka and Helena find their way back to each other after the final episode of the show.
1. Chapter 1

"That's not very funny." Steve stated. Claudia nodded in silent agreement. They both looked at Artie like he was insane.

"I am being serious. However, I can be both serious and the artifact itself be ridiculous, because it is." He sifted through papers on his desk looking for something.

"Gallagher's sledgehammer. GALLAGHER? The guy with the stupid hat and mustache from the eighties?" Steve repeated wanting to double check for the third time this was the artifact Artie was sending them to hunt down.

"Yes, Gallagher's sledgehammer. There have been a series of market & grocery break-ins in New York City."

"So what he smashes up some watermelon and somehow everyone gives him all the money in the cash drawer?" Steve asked incredulously.

Artie scowled, not appreciating the sarcasm, "I don't create the artifacts I just send you to get them. Apparently, as soon as he smashes something with the sledgehammer anyone within range becomes paralyzed with laughter for about five minutes giving him plenty of time to raid the teller drawers and make his escape."

"I had to Google Gallagher to even know who he is." Claudia tossed in.

"And?" Artie asked.

"And what? Not the funniest guy alive but I've seen worse. I bet its fun to smash all that stuff."

"Spoken like someone who never had to live through the man's actual popularity." Artie countered and Steve nodded in agreement. Steve's parents loved the comedian for some reason. He had even been dragged to a show as a child. He remembered sweating under the plastic poncho he'd been forced to wear the entire time just in case they caught any debris coming projecting from the sledgehammer.

"Myka and Pete are up for the next ping Artie, why us?" Claudia asked.

"New York City." Artie re-iterated. Steve and Claudia nodded in understanding.

A couple months ago the warehouse was in danger of being moved out of the country and re-christened as Warehouse 14. Then, at the last moment, the host country was found to be involved in clandestine talks to weaponize at least one of the artifacts with a regional-allie and just like that, Warehouse 13 was back in business.

Things got weird when they thought they were about to lose the Warehouse and each other. Pete and Myka toyed with the idea of dating. They tried it for about a week before realizing it had simply been their last hope at preserving that which fate returned to them anyway. Once the Warehouse was secure their desire for each other seemed to fade back to previous, more platonic levels.

Yet there was still an absence in Myka's heart. The truth was she'd left her heart behind; in Boone, Wisconsin with a woman who'd chosen a whole family over just one Myka. Then, not content to crush her once, Helena wrote her saying she'd left Nate and Adelaide to be with another _woman_ in New York. Twice rejected. Yet, how could she be mad at Helena for fumbling in her pursuit of happiness? Isn't that what they all wanted?

Free of the Pyka debacle, Myka was single again and heartbroken still. Everyone saw the pain in her eyes each morning when she arrived at breakfast clearly less rested than they were. It w ent on that way for about a week. Eventually and slowly she started to resemble the old Myka again. She was still a bit more sullen than they remembered, slightly less quick to smile but she was recovering, they hoped.

So Artie wanted to give her just a bit more time. Steve and Claudia not only understood but were on board with the decision. Finally locating what he'd been rummaging for on his desk he produced two plane tickets. Steve swiped them both and they headed out the umbilicus door.

Once in the bright sunshine, Claudia took her ticket from her partner. "I hope this is the last ping we take for awhile."

"I hear ya but we had to take this one. Myka and Pete can't go to New York, what if they accidently run into Helena and _Giselle_?" Steve stated what they were both thinking.

Claudia made a nauseous face and barf-spoke, "Giselle," continuing, "Who names their child Giselle unless they want them to be a coke-snorting cigarette-smoke-stack model who steal other women's true-loves?"

"Mr. & Mrs. Bunchen." Steve replied referencing the super model who shared the name.

"You're not really trumping my point. I'm sure she stole some girl's true love at some point." Claudia countered.

"HG loves Myka. She tried to deny it to me once," He paused thinking about it before finishing, "not sure why."

Claudia was tired of the subject. EVERYONE knew those two loved each other and should be together. That's why the Pete and Myka thing had been so weird and left them all confused. To eradicate the confusion, once they'd eased back into a platonic relationship Abigail gathered everyone but Myka together and had a long, frank discussion about the obvious. Myka & HG loved each other but it hadn't worked out. They'd all agreed to do what they could to help Myka through her heart break. The young woman sighed with resignation, "Let's just get on the plane, get to New York, snag, bag and tag this thing so we can come back and finally relax for a bit."

"Agreed."

**New York City**

**The Next Morning**

Claudia and Steve ate breakfast at their hotel before heading out to talk to some of the market owner's who'd been robbed. The red head stuffed a large forkful of eggs into her mouth, chewed them and announced, "I have a feeling this isn't going to be a routine mission."

Steve nodded chugging his orange juice, "Yeah. I agree. Don't know why yet."

They found the closest subway entrance and headed to the first market on their list, the first to get hit. It was called Paul's Local. The front window had been smashed by the sledgehammer and was now boarded up with plywood but the store was open for business.

They walked to the counter and saw a grizzled, bald man at the register. He narrowed his eyes at them when he saw they didn't have anything to buy. "Need something from behind the counter? Bathroom is for paying customers only."

"No, nothing like that." Steve stated. He produced his badge and flashed it, "ATF Sir, just wanted to ask you a couple questions about your break in."

The man sighed. He yelled for someone from the back to come up and take over at the register. A woman, younger but who looked a lot like him appeared and hurried over. "Watch the till honey, I gotta talk to yet another officer who won't do shit for me."

He came around and headed out the front door. Steve and Claudia followed. Outside, the man lit a cigarette and waited for them to ask their questions. Steve spoke up again, "Look, we don't want to take up too much of your time but can you tell me what happened?"

The man sighed and exhaled, a large puff of smoke billowing from his nostrils as he spoke, his voice thick with irritation, "Look, like I said the first time and the time after that and the time after that, I was in the back of the store re-stocking the beer when the door opened. I didn't pay much attention. I saw the guy in the convex mirror. He looked normal enough. Maddie, that's my daughter, was at the register. I didn't see him do it but the cameras show him going straight for the produce. He picked up a grapefruit, walked it to the register and set it on the counter. Then he produced this huge mallet, kinda like that one that stupid comedian used to have years back. What was his name? Gary? Somthin. Anyway, he smashes the thing and everything goes black. Next thing I remember I'm blinking my teary eyes, my gut muscles are sore and the guy's long gone with all the cash in my drawer."

"The security footage showed you, your daughter and everyone but the man with the mallet laughing hysterically for almost five minutes."

"Yeah well, I don't know about all that. I can't remember it."

"Didn't you see the footage?" Claudia defied.

"I saw it." The man spat back. There was silence for a moment. He tossed the butt of his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it. "I just don't understand it. I don't remember." He looked at both of them annoyance still written all over his face. "Is that all? I'd like to get back to work."

"You didn't happen to smell anything strange right before it happened did you? Fudge perhaps?" Steve asked.

Though he was serious, the shop owner thought he was being mocked. He grabbed Steve by the collar and spoke angrily, "Listen, I KNOW my story sounds crazy. That doesn't change the fact that I got robbed! Show a little respect!"He released his grip and Steve nodded to the man's retreating back as he went back inside his store.

Claudia offered dryly, "Well, that went well."

"Like candy from a baby." Steve facetiously agreed. He looked at her adding, "He was telling the truth though. He doesn't know anything more than what he said and he's not even confident of that."

"That makes three of us." Claudia stated.

They spent the rest of the day visiting three other convenience stores and markets. Each owner told a similar story. They were able to determine a few details about the wielder of the hammer based on security footage. It seemed to be a man, tall and lanky in build, wearing a worn navy hoodie, dark jeans and a winter face mask when he perpetrated the crimes. The crimes themselves always took place in the morning, between nine and ten o'clock.

Having gathered as much evidence as they could for the day they went back to the hotel. Claudia set to work trying to find more information using her favorite investigative tool, the internet. Within a few hours they'd plotted out all of the stores which had been hit and narrowed down a list of future target stores. They were betting the only way to catch the guy was to be in the right place at the right time.

It came down to three stores. Claudia stared at a map she'd grabbed from the front desk and used to mark all of their known and potential targets on. The three they were choosing between were highlighted in pink.

"I think it's the corner one." Steve declared after a long period of contemplative silence.

"Reasons?" Claudia demanded.

"Fastest getaway. Four out of the seven who've been hit so far were corner stores. These other ones are in the middle of the block." He had a point. Claudia cocked her head slightly sideways as she tried to re-evaluate.

She turned and quickly keyed in something on her laptop. "Corner stores take in slightly more revenue than ones in the middle of the block. You think our guy knows that?"

Steve's eyebrow's scrunched. "I don't know. I haven't figured out if we are dealing with someone intelligent or arrogant yet."

"Look, the corner one and this other one are only about a block away anyway. We can go to the corner one and if we are wrong we have a chance of catching him at this other one."

"Okay. Since we can't be in three places at once, this is the best idea." Steve agreed.

"Let's get some rest. We want to have time to walk the distance between the two stores and know the fastest way to navigate them if we bet on the wrong horse." They both retired to bed ready to make a fresh attempt the next day.

At the site by sunrise, they each walked the different courses between stores. Claudia's path had an alley. She counted her steps as she walked as she made her way through it. Suddenly, she became aware of the sound of a second pair of footsteps. They sounded light and quick, like a woman's gait. In a single, fluid movement Claudia reached into her bag, gripped the Tesla with her finger on the trigger and spun around putting the weapon between herself and her pursuer.

A calm yet saucy British accent quipped at her, "If you want to take me down with one shot aim slightly to my left. You still pull that way when you shoot."

"HG!" Claudia exclaimed happily. She shoved the Tesla back in her back and practically jumped into the older woman's arms hugging her fiercely.

"I'm so glad to see you! Where have you been?" the young woman asked excitedly, then it her. She remembered Myka and her long, drawn out heartbreak they were all trying to mend. The heartbreak HG caused by running away. She pulled back and punched the inventor in the shoulder, "Where HAVE YOU BEEN?" she asked again this time her voice dripped with accusation.

HG sighed and dropped her head. "Claudia, please. Not now."

"Hey, I'm not the one who stalked you down a New York City alley with whatever kick-ass boots you are wearing right now, seriously, I _love_ those boots."

HG smirked. She missed Claudia. She missed everyone. She especially missed Myka. Popping her leg out a bit to inspect her own footwear she smiled, "Thanks! I like them though I did not pick them out."

"Giz-elle?" Claudia drew out the name in a mocking tone.

HG blushed and nodded, "Yes, she has impeccable taste."

"Gross." Claudia stated. She wanted to change the subject and realized she had cause to when it occurred to her to ask, "Why are you here? In this particular alley?"

"Hey Claud!" Steve yelled from the alley entrance. "I clocked mine at two minutes twenty six seconds!" when he finished he noticed there was another woman standing with Claudia. It looked like, _oh lord_, _it was_, HG Wells. He quickly jogged up to them asking immediately, "What are you doing here?"

"Hello Steve." HG offered back more politely. She looked at them. They were waiting for her answer so she supplied it, "I heard about this on the news. I knew it was an artifact."

They continued to stare at her neither feeling she totally answered the question. Helena added, "I was bored." She returned their gaze defiantly, "Is it so wrong? I heard the story, I felt it in my gut and I knew." She looked at them again, they were softening but still quiet, "Besides I was already local." It was her final defense.

Claudia looked to Steve expecting to see an indication that she was lying if, in fact, she was. Steve gave no indication of it. She felt anger growing inside her for the inventor. Though initially happy to see her those thoughts were quickly changing with mention of _Giselle_. "Okay," Claudia began in a curt tone, "Boredom, fine, whatever. But you _can't_ help HG. You're not an agent. You gave it up. So go home to your gazelle girlfriend with the hooves and the antlers and the doe-eyes and leave us to do the warehouse-ing!" she finalized her statement by stomping out of the alley.

Steve lingered. He could see pain in Helena's eyes and he'd seen it before. It was Myka's pain too. HG wasn't lying about why she showed up at the scene of the crime but she was leaving out the obvious. Rather than be together sharing their love Myka and HG chose to be apart and share sorrow. He placed a consoling hand on the inventor's shoulder offering, "Look, Claudia and I are going to the corner market, we think it's the best bet for the next attack."

Helena nodded adding, "Yes, either that one or the one located on the other side of this alley."

"Right," Steve agreed, "Why don't you head to that one? It would help. Claudia doesn't have to know about it unless it pans out."

The inventor smiled, "Thank you Steve."

Steve smiled back, "No problem. You still have my number, right?" HG nodded, "Call me if you get lucky." He added. They parted ways.

"Artie, where did Steve and Claudia go?" Myka asked suspiciously. She was standing in the warehouse office facing Artie's back. The man was making himself appear quite busy on the computer as he avoided the woman's gaze and questions. Myka became more insistent, "Artie!"

"We got a ping. I sent them to get it." He replied nonchalantly.

"Artie," Myka began folding her arms over her chest in an attempt to contain some of her frustration, "that's the third ping you've sent Claudia and Steve on instead of us. What is going on?"

Just then Pete entered the warehouse office maneuvering a chicken wing in his mouth with one hand and carrying a plate of additional chicken wings in the other. "Pete Lattimer reporting for inventory duty." He declared with a mouth of chicken parts.

Myka regarded her partner and found her frustration multiplying as she asked the now obvious question, "And why aren't YOU bothered by any of this?"

Pete looked at her quizzically, "Oh uh, I just came in. What are you guys talking about?"

"Three pings in two weeks and we've been overlooked every time yet YOU don't seem to care." Myka stated. She threw her arms up and added, "What's that about?"

"You gotta grab the downtime whenever you can get it. It's a Marine rule." Pete replied, it was true in general yet didn't actually apply to this situation.

"Semper Fi." Artie replied trying to bolster Pete's argument or at least confuse his partner.

Myka balled her fists and took a breath deciding to change tacks with the two men. "Listen, something is clearly going on here. I don't know what it is but it's _something_. The two of you can tell me now, of your own free will, or you can make me drag it out of you. You know I will eventuall—"

She was interrupted by Artie's Farnsworth beeping. Saved by the buzz he gratefully flipped it open and acknowledged the caller, "Claudia, what's up?" Before he even finished it was evident to everyone Claudia and Steve were under heavy fire. It sounded like explosions.

"We're hemmed in Captain! Claudia yelled trying unsuccessfully to cover her fear with irreverence. There were explosions going off all around them and she flinched when they detonated. "The guy is escalating or something. This isn't the sledgehammer it's something else, more dangerous!"

"Get out of there and re-group! Artie yelled into the device. "You can't fight this until you have some idea of what it is! If you push him he may unleash worse!"

An explosion hit close enough to the pair to rattle the Farnsworth out of Claudia's grasp and onto the ground. Pete, Myka and Artie simultaneously yelled when it happened. They watched Claudia's Farnsworth get picked up and her face, dazed but unharmed appear, "Gotta go!" She stated abruptly before the signal was lost.

For Pete and Myka the situation changed everything. They both wanted to go to the ping immediately. "Where are they?" Myka pressed the older man.

"Myka, they-" he started to defend.

Myka cut him off, "I don't care Artie! Pete and I are leaving for the airport right now. When we get there I expect two tickets waiting for us to take us to wherever Steve and Claudia are."

Myka turned and left through the umbilicus entrance with purpose. Pete turned to follow. Just before he was out of earshot Artie called to him, "They're in New York Pete."

Pete paused letting the reality sink in before cursing, "It had to be New York." He shook his head and jogged to catch up with his partner.

The ticket agent handed Pete his ticket, then handed Myka hers. She immediately read the destination and her stomach fell to the floor, "Shit." She said under her breath.

As they walked to the terminal Pete threw a friendly arm around her, "It's a huge city Mykes. Odds are we won't even see her." Myka nodded to him but inside had no idea how she felt about his statement.

As Claudia and Steve retreated they were pursued by the robber. Explosions trailed them in a fiery wake as they wove a serpentine path to avoid being hit. Then Claudia tripped over a discarded beer bottle on the sidewalk and came crashing down. Steve spun and tried to go after her but was stopped by a sudden explosion.

The girl struggled to rise until she felt strong arms pull her to her feet and forward. Looking back she saw it was, HG. "It's best to keep moving darling." The woman offered as if they were simply taking a stroll.

"You're insane, you know that?" Claudia stated happy to be rescued but still in awe of the woman's fearlessness in these kinds of situations.

"You would know." HG quipped. She was lovingly prodding Claudia with their shared knowledge of their past's.

"Below the belt." Claudia replied in an amicable tone. Once they caught up to Steve he took up Claudia's support on the opposite side and they eventually out ran the bombs.

Retreating back to the hotel room they tended their wounds and began the process of changing their scope for solving this increasingly violent mystery.

Claudia was scraped up but no worse for wear. Steve tended to her small wounds while HG paced and tried to figure out what could have caused the explosions. "Bring me the laptop, "Claudia said from the bed as Steve applied yet another band-aid to her body. Secret Steve fun fact number one: the dude loves band aids. Claudia once watched Steve put three over a paper cut on his thumb. "The market's security camera was wireless. I patched into the signal this morning so we could record the feed."

They spent the next few hours analyzing everything they knew and attempting to turn it into a guess as to where the perpetrator might strike next.

"We still don't have a motive." Steve stated feeling stuck. He tried to rub at the tension between his eyes.

"Or a source for a sudden influx of artifacts." Helena observed.

"I'm starving. Are you guys?" Claudia asked. When she felt mentally stuck she liked to have something to nosh on. It helped take her mind off of her problem as well as reminded her to eat, something she sometimes forgot when deeply involved in a project or problem.

"I could eat." Steve agreed.

"Allow me. I need a walk. Tell me what you want and I'll get it from the kitchen downstairs." Helena offered putting on her jacket.

They ordered burgers and fries. Hamburgers were a food item of the modern era which Helena found to be particularly ghastly. Like most German cuisine she lacked the taste for them. Not that she was terribly hungry anyway. Her mind and heart swam with confusing emotions and instincts all of which inconveniently contradicted each other and left the normally clear-headed woman feeling emotionally adrift in thoughts of the past and anxiety for the future. She was glad for the chance to retrieve food for the team as a way to take her mind away from how much she missed the warehouse and a particular curly-haired agent.

And yet as she walked back to their room carrying bags of food all she could think about was Myka. She desperately wanted to ask Claudia or Steve how the woman was. Helena thought of her every single day since she last saw her. Well, actually, that wasn't true. She didn't think of her every day. Myka was _always_ there. Lingering in the back of her mind like a beckoning siren Helena tried to ignore her but never quite succeeded. So Helena had never once stopped thinking about Myka. The woman had been one, single, continuous thought in Helena's mind since the moment she first met her.

Just as the inventor was thinking about the beautiful, green-eyed agent the elevator doors opened on her floor and she exited finding herself standing directly in front of Myka Bering and Pete Lattimer. Helena almost dropped the bag of food she was holding as her balance and confidence wavered.

Myka was so shocked to see HG that she didn't notice the inventor's unsteadiness. Her eyes went wide and round and her lips parted in Myka's tell-tale look of confusion, "Helena?" she choked.

In her strangled question was every bit of pain Myka ever felt for Helena. Her eyes became transparent conduits for all the love she ever had for the woman suddenly standing in front of her, holding room service. "What are you doing here?"

Pete, not knowing what else to do and not willing to see perfectly good food become compromised by a wavering grip moved for the food bags in Helena's hands. "Let me get those and take them inside to Claudia and Steve. I'll give you two a minute." He grabbed the bags and started to head inside but

Myka stayed on his heels, her tone changing to resolute,"No," She began glaring at Helena, "I don't need a minute. I'm here for the case."

HG watched the green-eyed agent she loved so deeply walk away from her and knew it was her fault. The pain stabbed. Like a bayonet to the gut. She pulled herself together using only her Britishness for strength and strode back into the hotel room. Everyone turned when they heard her come in offering her a perfect opportunity to speak to the entire group, "Well," she began feeling as if she were finally delivering a farewell speech, "it would seem I am no longer needed on this case," she smiled at Steve and Claudia but refused to look at Myka or Pete, "the cavalry has clearly arrived and my presence, since I am not an agent, is superfluous."

Finally she looked at Pete, then Myka. Hurt, so brief in its appearance across her features it was imperceptible to all save Myka, flashed over Helena's face as she added with finality, "It was lovely to see you all." She shut the door behind her and found herself in the quiet hotel hall. There was a moment where the world famous creator of the science fiction genre thought she might faint.

Everyone inside the room looked at Myka. Myka was looking down at Claudia's notebook until she felt all eyes on her. She looked up, "What?"

There was silence for a beat until Claudia realized all men were cowards and she was going to have to be the one to speak up, "Uh, shouldn't you go after her?"

Myka chuckled bitterly and stated, "She made her choice." Her eyes returned to Claudia's notes.

They worked for another hour analyzing potential stores and again whittling their options down to three. Myka rose and decided to tidy up. She hoped it would help get rid of some nervous energy. The encounter with Helena earlier left her more than keyed up. She grabbed the two empty burger containers and walked them over to the bag Helena brought them in. She planned to shove the trash into the bag and then pitch everything but she realized there was something else still in it.

"Did you guys forget to eat something? There's something in the bag, oh—" Myka's breath caught in her throat and her heart felt like it might explode. Twizzlers. There was a pack of Twizzlers in the bottom of the bag. She yanked them out angrily, "Whose are these?"

Claudia and Steve exchanged a look before Claudia hesitantly offered, "HG's I guess?"

The meaning of the Twizzlers was lost on _no one_ in that room. They were Myka's favorite candy. Everyone knew it. Everyone, at the warehouse thought of her when they ate them or were yelled at by Myka when they ate them (since she sort of horded them). Helena would have selected the candy because they reminded her of Myka or because she was messing with Myka. Her emotions peaking inside her like mercury in an over-taxed thermometer the lanky agent threw the candy as hard as she could. They tore through the air and took out one of the lamps on the table between the beds.

Everyone in the room jumped and Myka stormed out. Once he recovered from his head-protective stance Pete went after his partner. He found her pounding on the ice machine like a prize fighter. He ran up and threw his arms around her stopping her from doing any more damage to it. She struggled in his grasp for a few moments before relenting and sliding them both down to the floor.

"Why Pete?" Myka asked her voice coming out in sobs as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Why did she come back? Why did she buy those and leave them in there? What is she doing to me?" Myka begged, her heart felt battered and toyed with like prey by the raven-haired inventor.

No longer holding her he kept one arm around her shoulders as he sat beside her content to simply provide support, "I don't know Mykes. I don't understand it." He truly didn't.

They sat there for long moments in silence. Myka sobbed quietly now and then. All of the pain and hurt she was attempting to step through and put behind her and just been wrenched to the surface like fresh, wet earth dug up by the plow. She was overturned and exposed.

After awhile she took a deep breath, pushed her mess of curls behind her face and stated, "Let's just find these stupid artifacts and get out of here. From now on, New York is Claudia and Steve's sector."

"That's fine with me." Pete announced happy to hear his partner pulling back into focus. He stood and offered a hand to pull her up. She took it and they walked back to the room. When they started to enter Pete put his hand on Myka's elbow, "Hey, you go in. I'm gonna head back to the vending machine and get something sweet."

Rolling her eyes Myka smiled and shut the door leaving him alone in the hall. Interestingly enough, sweets were not what was actually on Pete's mind.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the next installment! Please review and let me know if you want more :)


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: This work of fiction contains brief mention of the comedian Carrot Top. If you find this type of content offensive or it is illegal where you live please either discontinue reading or proceed at your own risk._

* * *

><p>In the corner of the hotel bar the piano played a light tune. Nothing to upbeat or downbeat, just enough to take up room in the ear and make everything seem pretty alright, even if it wasn't. Helena sighed and stirred her drink with the small straw it came with. She lost herself in the swirl of amber liquid and ice not even noticing Pete until he was upon her, his strong grip tight on her forearm.<p>

"I knew you'd be here." He stated in a voice laced with anger. HG looked surprised and he continued, "Because you're her _fraking_ stalker! What is your deal with her? Haven't you done enough damage?" He was tired of watching the inventor jerk his partner around.

"I know she's hurt Pete, believe me." Helena stated ruefully.

"That's kind of hard to do with you HG. The truth has never really been your strong suit."

"You're right." Helena acknowledged her voice conveying utter defeat.

Some of the fight left Pete when he heard that. He knew it shouldn't change anything but he'd never heard HG Wells sound so pathetic. It was unnerving. "I'm right?" he asked surprised, "I'm almost never right."

"Well you're right about this. I lie. I lie to other people, I lie to Myka. I even lie to myself. The Truth and Helena Wells have never been easy bedfellows."

"So why are you here now? Don't tell me it's just because you heard about it on the news. That's what Steve and Claudia said but I'm not buying it. There's more to it than that. There always is with you."

"It's complicated." Helena stated.

"UGH!" Pete exclaimed practically yelling. A few people looked at him but he was absorbed in his own thoughts and words, "I'm so tired of hearing that word from you AND Myka. What's complicated about it?"

Helena looked at the man. It wasn't Pete who deserved an explanation, it was Myka. However, Helena had zero interest in providing Myka with the explanation so she decided to lay it on Pete. She took her drink and downed it in a single gulp, looked him in the eye and stated, "She left me."

"Who left you? Gazelle?"

"Gizelle."

"Whatever."

"Yes," Helena agreed, "_whatever_." looking at her empty drink glass, "She was a distraction Pete, just like Nate."

"I could have told you that."

Helena laughed and tipped her glass so the ice sloshed around. "Yes, well apparently I was incapable of determining it until I burned my way through two more romantic partners committing the same fatal error with each."

The man's eyebrow raised, "Fatal error?" he asked dubiously.

Still engrossed in her glass Helena smiled regretfully, "I said her name."

"What?" Pete asked not understanding.

"I said her _name_." Still no reaction. Helena hung her head, "I said Myka's name, at a key moment in my intimate relations with Nate."

Understanding flooded the man's face to the point where he looked like he might drown, "Oh, OH! Oh no! Oh." He was having a lot of reactions.

"_And_ with Giselle." Helena added. She called to the bartender, "Can I get another one of these please?"

"Oh no." Pete re-iterated.

"Yes. Undeniably, yes." Helena confirmed, adding "more than once, with _both _of them." She kept her eyes on the liquid pouring into her glass.

"Yeesh." Pete stated leaning on the bar for support. He looked at the bartender, "Now I feel like I need one of those." When the man moved to comply the agent waved him off as his mind tried to parse through what was revealed to him, "So, uh, what did-"

Helena cut him off, "They both, to use the parlance of your times, 'dumped' me." Her face was solemn as she furthered, "I wish I could say my heart was twice broken but in each instance I'm confident they bore the real injury" she took a sip of her drink and finished, "for I never truly loved either of them."

"Wow. HG that's," Pete began not sure how to finish, "that's not what I expected you to tell me when I came down here."

"Well aren't I always full of surprises?" The woman asked remorsefully. "Besides, what does it matter now?" her voice wavered and the Pete could tell she was tipsy, "She thinks all I do is manipulate her. And I suppose she isn't wrong about it so what is the point? I've ruined it. It's all rubbish!" He head dropped to the bar, "I am a wayward traveler in a lost world Agent Lattimer, unmoored and without purpose. Without Myka there is nothing left for me but to drift into oblivion."

"Let's not start waxing tragically poetic yet," Pete stated trying to ease Helena's grip on her drink. The woman was having none of it. "How about you stay here and finish your drink and I call you a cab?"

"Why?" Helena asked tipping the glass toward her lips.

"To take you home."

The Brit chuckled, "I wasn't jesting when I said I was relieved of my living arrangements. I am currently without a place to hang my hat or, if you will, miniature grappler."

"That happened this morning?" Pete asked surprised.

"I must say," Helena started, "overall, Giselle was a very forgiving woman. Apparently the tenth time was the charm."

"TENTH!?" Pete practically choked on the word. He leaned in out of propriety and attempted to speak without moving his mouth, "You mean you said Myka's name in bed TEN TIMES before that woman kicked you out?"

Staring into her drink with shame she exclaimed, "Don't look at me. I'm a cad!" She was heading quickly toward complete intoxication.

"I do not know what that means, "Pete began, "but how many of those have you had?"

HG turned to him offering a winning smile, "Only one."

"Seriously? It seemed impossible given her current state.

"Plus two."

"Yeah, that sounds more like it."

The woman lifted her current, almost empty drink, "Plus half."

Pete knew a little something about drinking away your troubles. He looked at HG and could tell something was very wrong to make her give up her composure in public. As he looked at her an idea formed. Without totally thinking it through he acted, "Stay here, finish your drink I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Excellent plan Agent Lattimer." Helena replied taking another sip.

As promised, Pete returned a few minutes later. He gripped Helena firmly but not roughly by the arm and stated, "Okay Love Doctor, let's go."

"Love Doctor?" Helena queried.

"Its sarcasm, because you're clearly terrible at it." Pete replied.

"How droll." She allowed the man to guide her toward the elevator. "Where are we going?"

"I got you a room. You can stay here while we work on the case. Maybe when all of this is over you can convince Myka to speak to you."

Helena didn't respond as they entered the elevator and the doors closed. Even tipsy, the writer found herself genuinely confused by Pete's behavior. Last she'd heard, Myka and Pete were dating. If that was still the case he was being very accommodating of her feelings for his girlfriend. "Can I ask you a question?" she spoke.

"I suppose."

"Why are you doing this for me? Why would you want me to talk to Myka ever again?"

Pete was silent as he thought about it. "First you have to answer a question for me." He waited for her to object but she didn't so he continued, "Why did you buy those Twizzlers? The ones in the bottom of Steve and Claudia's food bag?"

Helena smiled. It was a clever question from a man who made a habit of never seeming particularly clever. He deserved the truth, "I missed her. I wanted something of hers near me."

His eyes went a bit misty, not that he would ever admit it. Now he would answer the inventor's question, "She loves you Helena. It's more real and true than anything I've ever seen from her." He paused then added with just a hint of sadness, "I should know."

For a brief moment, Helena felt guilty. She wasn't to blame for what happened between Myka and Pete but then again, maybe she was. It must have read on her features because Pete added, "It's not your fault Helena. I mean, overall it is completely your fault because you guys should've already been having a baby by then but Myka and me? That one you're not on the hook for. We didn't love each other the way we thought. That's all there is to it."

"Honestly Pete, you're the only person I trust with her. The only one who I know would never hurt her."

"Yeah, well, real love hurts sometimes. That's how you know it's real." Pete offered right as they arrived. Helena made a mental note never to underestimate the man again.

Once he secured Helena in the room, Pete grimaced when the inventor immediately threw open the mini-bar rummaging through the diminutive yet very expensive bottles of liquor. "I love how adorably miniature they are!" Helena declared girlishly, "Like doll bottles for children but full of intoxicants!"

Apparently drunk Helena was _girlier_ than regular Helena. Pete found it momentarily attractive before shaking himself out of it and cursing Myka for getting such a hot chick. Not that she had her _yet_. Who knew what was going to happen with this half-baked plan of his? Or these two women who seemed to rebuff each other as often as they were drawn together? He left the writer to her own, regrettable, devices and hurried back to Claudia and Steve's room.

Upon returning Myka said, "I thought you were just going to the vending machine."

"Oh uh, my pecan pinwheels got stuck. Had to get the manager, it was a whole _thing._"

"Where are they?" Myka asked.

"Where's what?"

"The pinwheels?"

"Oh, I ate them on the way back."

"Mmmhmm." Myka replied. She was suspicious but chose to refocus on the case rather than press him further. "Well, while you were gone we noticed a trunk. The perpetrator carried a trunk into the last store. It's where the bombs originated."

"But from what we can tell, the items in the trunk aren't anything unusual. In fact, they are completely common and totally random." Claudia offered.

"Yet when the guy throws them, they explode." Steve added.

"So something is turning them into an artifact. It's gotta be the trunk. Why else would you haul a huge trunk to a robbery?" Pete stated.

"Okay, think everyone, who famously owned a trunk?" Myka wondered.

"Oops! I forgot to read volumes one through eight of A History of Famous Trunks and Their Owners." Steve retorted. Normally, he wasn't the negative guy in the room but this case and the added tension created by Myka and Helena was making him want to be done with it.

"Snarky Snarky." Claudia quipped. He gave her a look.

She returned to fiddling on her laptop. "Uh, guys?" a few more rapid taps on the keys. They all looked at her expectantly. "They caught him." She declared.

"What?" everyone asked.

"About an hour ago. Turn on the news."

Myka fiddled with the remote until she found some local news. The reporter's voice narrated the recent events: "Less than an hour ago the NYPD thought they had their man. After being captured roughly two miles from the scene of the crime police managed to apprehend a tall man in a navy hoodie and facemask. Unfortunately, while attempting to bring him into custody there was an altercation. The criminal evaded capture by utilizing what police at the scene confirmed was confetti."

"What?" Claudia asked more confused than ever. "Confetti? Seriously? This keeps getting weirder and weirder."

The reporter on television interviewed one of the police, "It was weird. We had him and just when we started to cuff him somehow he threw confetti in our faces. I don't know why but it was hilarious. Next thing I know he was gone."

The sound of Claudia's Farnsworth beeping changed everyone's focus and Myka muted the television as the girl answered it, "Artie."

"I've got four agents on one case. Tell me you're making progress." He stated gruffly.

"Not much." Claudia offered bluntly, "This is way bigger than Gallagher's sledgehammer."

"What happened now?"

She proceeded to bring him up to speed on everything including the news report they just heard. "Confetti? Who does this guy think he is, Rip Taylor?" Artie quipped.

"Who's Rip Taylor?" Claudia asked looking at the people in the room. It was clear Myka and Pete knew who he was but struggled to figure out how to say it.

"Huge Queen." Steve stated matter-of-factly. "Also a comedian and not a very funny one if you ask me."

"Look whose throwing some gay-on-gay shade!" the girl responded.

"Yeah, like I'm the only one on this trip." Steve whispered into his partner's ear referencing Myka and HG.

Myka half-heard it and gave him a look but let it go. Artie started asking more questions to try and assist them as Pete became lost in thought. After a few moments of chatter between them and the man on the other end of the Farnsworth Pete suddenly yelled, "I've got it!"

Everyone looked at him surprised, "You do?" Myka asked.

"Yeah, I know, it's weird that I've got it but I think I might know. The trunk. What was in it again?" his eyes reflected the rapid fire of his mind.

"Just random stuff. Nothing that seemed strange." Myka spoke.

"Props." Pete confirmed.

"You think the guy's an actor or a stage hand or something?" Steve asked in doubt.

"Worse." Pete stated. They looked at him expectantly and he continued, "Okay, first it was Gallagher's sledgehammer right? That one we knew before we got here. Then it was a trunk full of stuff that exploded on impact, regular looking stuff, right?"

"As far as we could tell."

"Regular looking to US." Pete pointed out, "But comedians, if they are good, can turn inanimate objects into jokes."

"Okay, I still don't see how that makes them blow up." Claudia added.

Bombs!" Myka interjected. Pete looked at her eagerly. She was on his wavelength now, "If a comedian who uses props isn't funny, then he BOMBS!"

Artie, who was still listening via Farnsworth concluded with astonishment, "So it really was Rip Taylor's confetti?"

"I think we are looking for a guy who has access to prop comedian's old props."

"But we still don't know a bad comedian who carries around a trunk."

"Carrot Top!" Myka and Pete yelled in unison. She looked at her partner, "I can't believe you dragged me to his show last year. It was awful."

"Yes but if I hadn't, how would we have solved this case?"

"Still not enough justification for that experience." Myka replied.

"Its Carrot Top's trunk? Who the frak is Carrot Top?" Claudia asked.

Myka, Steve and Artie all looked at her and offered the same sentiment, "Be glad you don't know."

"Hey, he had a moment in the 90s where he was pretty funny." Pete defended.

"No moment of the 90s was funny." Claudia corrected.

"What about Austin Powers?"

Claudia ignored the question on principle and giddily declared, "Okay so now we're getting somewhere!" She typed frantically, "There was a bunch of stand-up comedy items stolen from the World Comedy Club on west fifty-third street three weeks ago!"

"That's gotta be it!" Pete said with excitement. He looked at his partner before suggesting to the group, "How about Myka and I go down there and turn this lead into something with meat on it." Myka agreed but Claudia quickly interjected,

"Hey, this is ours!" she indicated to Steve, "You guys can't just waltz in and take over!"

Pete thought about Helena conveniently stashed away in a room down the hall drunk and getting drunker emptying the contents of the mini-bar. This whole situation seemed very much like a ticking time bomb. His intuition was giving him 50/50 odds as to the outcome so he really was flying blind and mixing metaphors like a madman. He tried to think of a reason to lure Claudia away so he could update her on the whole drunk HG situation.

"Claudia, fine, whatever but if we are gonna stay here can you fix my cell phone first? It won't let me into my gmail account again."

Claudia sighed the sigh of every IT person who has no time for the mechanical trivialities which test the limits of simple people's computer knowledge. Then again if it helped her finish the mission she'd began, she was willing to do whatever it took. "Fine, give it here."

Pete made a gesture of patting his pockets. "Oh, you know what? I think I left it in the bathroom from before."

"Pete, how many times do the women of the B&B have to tell you sitting on the toilet messing with your fantasy football team is gross." Claudia rose and followed him to the bathroom adding, "I'm going to stand there and watch you wash it before I even touch it."

Once they were both around the corner Pete pulled Claudia close and started to whisper intensely, "My phone is fine. I have to tell you something."Claudia was confused by his urgency but waited for him to speak. "HG is still here."

"What? Why? Hasn't she gotten the hint yet? I mean I love her and all but no one hurts Myka, _no one_." The girl finished with conviction.

"Yeah, I know, look, it's complicated." Pete defended.

Claudia threw her hands up, "Oh lord not you too! You drank the Bering/Wells kool-aid and now you're all confused and angsty just like them." She threw her arms up in futility and continued, "Is it possible that Myka and Helena's _relationship_ is an artifact? You know it makes everyone who encounters it all bummed out and physically incapable of making a decision in their own best interest?"

Pete just looked at Claudia for a moment before saying, "I didn't drink the kool-aid okay? After HG left I had a feeling she wasn't totally gone. I found her downstairs in the hotel bar, on her way to drunk."

"No way!" Claudia exclaimed having never seen the inventor in such a state.

"Way," Pete began, "She told me something Claud, something that makes me see everything that has happened between the two of them very differently." Claudia gave the man a disbelieving look. Pete exhaled, he hadn't planned on sharing such an intimate detail to anyone else but he could see he was going to have to cough it up to get Claudia to cooperate. "Nate and Giselle both dumped _her_."

"So?" Claudia stated with little concern, "I'm sure she did something to cause it. Heartbreaking is kind of her MO isn't it?"

"It's not _what_ happened. It's what _caused _it to happen."

"And that is?"

Pete looked around making sure he was speaking only to Claudia, "She kept saying her name."

"Whose name? Myka's name? What's the big deal about that?" Claudia replied still not getting it.

Pete shook his head, "No, not just like, 'Hey Myka, oops! I mean, Giselle-_darling_ could you pass the salt?" Pete began, offering a harmless scenario in counterpoint to what he was about to say, "More like she yelled Myka's name repeatedly in moments of extreme," he looked at Claudia whose powers of deduction seemed slower than usual today adding another word, "physical," still not quite there, he finished it, "activity."

"OH!" Claudia bellowed the realization hitting her like a cold shower. "NO!" she yell-whispered.

"Yes!" Pete stated also yell-whispering. "Do you see now? Helena knows she's in love with Myka. She knows she's left a trail of broken hearts behind that includes her own _and Myka's_ and she's in a room, down the hall, right now, drowning herself in guilt, over-priced liquor and macadamia nuts!"

Claudia's brilliant mind finally kicked as she raced through a series of potential outcomes. She spoke with gravity, "Oh, I see now. This is no good."

"Yeah it's not great. Kind of a powder-keg situation." Pete replied rubbing his jaw.

"Okay new plan," Claudia began, "You and Myka go to the comedy club Steve and I are on HG duty."

The man was touched by Claudia's decision and he said as much, "Aww, Claudia, it's so cool you are taking one for the team on this to help out Myka and HG."

"Are you kidding? Getting these two together is one of the greatest Warehouse missions we will ever face." She smiled and added, "Besides I can't take much more of sulky-Myka. She's really annoying. She's starting to watch a lot of the Lifetime channel and keeps talking about getting a cat." Her expression was determined, "These things _can't_ happen. I need old Myka back!"

Pete nodded, "Agreed. Okay, you tell Steve and Myka about the change, give a good excuse and Myka and I will head out of here quick-like. Oh, here's the room key."

Claudia hurried Pete and Myka out with little explanation to Steve. Once the senior agents were gone Steve shut the hotel room door and folded his arms across his chest expecting a very good explanation. Boy did Claudia have one.

"Wow, okay so I'm not going to lie, I'm slightly afraid of what drunk HG might be like." Steve said as they walked toward the room the inventor occupied down the hall.

"Yeah? I think it's going to be amazing. She's either going to be awesome or a train-wreck and I'm down for both."

"You are gayer than me sometimes." Steve commented.

"Oh sweetie I'm gayer than you _most_ of the time." Claudia corrected reaching the door.

Though they could just use the key and walk in Steve held Claudia back and knocked first. They waited until they heard a few loud banging noises followed by, "Hello? May I ask whose calling?"

"HG its Claudia and Steve." Claudia said. The two agents exchanged looks when they heard what sounded like a very girlish squeal come from the other side of the door before it was quickly unlocked and opened. "Come in! Come in!" HG exclaimed grabbing them both with excitement and pulling them in. She hugged them both for longer than either would have preferred. "What have I done to earn a visit from two of my favorite people in the entire world?" she inquired with a smile spread across her face.

"Pete told us you were here and we came to see you." The younger woman said.

"Peter Lattimer," HG began. She was clearly drunk and a bit looser with her body and personal space than normal. Beyond that, she was still more composed drunk than many people were sober. "What an incredible man, a gentleman of the finest order." She flopped on the bed and rummaged around a pile of wrappers and small containers, "Could I interest either of you in some large, exotic nuts or miniature alcoholic beverages?"

Claudia moved to make a joke about "large exotic nuts" when she felt Steve's hand slam into her chest to stop her. "Fine." She mouthed at him. "HG, um, Pete told us about your, um, situation."

Despite her inebriation, Helena made unnerving eye-contact with her, "Oh he did?"

Scared but knowing she had to press on Claudia offered, "Look, it's not like it's really that much of a surprise. I mean, we all know you have a thing for Myka. And as far as the rest of it well, don't we all do things we regret in the heat of passion?" Just saying that -icked Claudia out. HG was like a big sister to her. She didn't really want to have an in depth discussion about her big sister's passions.

HG's head fell into her hands, "Oh Lord, I feel terribly exposed."

Steve tried to assist, "You shouldn't. I think it's really sweet."

The writer lifted her head, "You do? You don't find it rather pathetic?"

He smiled and reached out to squeeze her arm reassuringly, "I'm not an expert but I think, when it comes to true love, if you don't feel a little pathetic now and then, you're doing it wrong."

HG was quiet as she contemplated his words. "You are both way too bright for your ages." Her statement served to cut the high emotion of the moment and Claudia moved to settle in. She grabbed a can of mixed nuts and sat down on the bed next to Helena, propping up her feet.

"So," she began popping a few morsels into her mouth, "How are you going to tell Myka?"

The question was as overwhelming as it was amusing. Instead of answering Helena grabbed some nuts from the can, tossed a few in her mouth and one at the expectant girl.

Myka and Pete were making significant headway at the comedy club. The owner was meticulous and had an inventory of all the stolen property. He was a collector of stand-up memorabilia and though the items didn't mean much too many people, they meant something to him.

"Had a handyman working here for about two weeks," he spoke in answer to their line of questioning, "Looked like he'd just gotten clean but hey, I'm five years sober myself, so I gave him some work fixing stuff around here. He stopped showing up after awhile and I didn't hear from him again."

"You think he might have come back for this comedy stuff?" Pete suggested.

"I mean, I guess. Maybe, if he was dumb enough to think any of it was worth something on its own. It really isn't. It might be worth something someday as a collection. That's what I'm hoping for."

"Can you give us this handyman's name and address please?"

"It's a halfway house but yeah."

They felt better stepping out of the club, like they had a real lead. As they waited for a cab Pete regarded his partner. Her expression was stoic but behind her sunglasses he could see weariness around her eyes. This mission was taking a toll. Helena's sudden appearance was fatiguing her.

Myka finally spotted a cab and waived it down. As it rolled up she looked at Pete and said, "Let's finish this."

Knowing there was more waiting for Myka to resolve beyond the case he deferred, "You got it Mykes."

While they drove to the halfway house Pete couldn't resist a chance to speak to Myka about HG in light of what he now knew, "how are you holding up?"

She spared him a glance through sun-glassed eyes. "I'm maintaining. Everything will be fine once we're back in South Dakota."

"You keep saying that." Pete observed.

"Well it's true."

"I bet." Pete replied. He knew the response would get under the woman's skin.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know you 'made your decision' and all, but I don't think this stuff with HG is really that easy Myka. Just because you know you made the right choice or the decision was already made for you doesn't mean you're done with it emotionally. Seeing her has churned up a bunch of unresolved _stuff _in you. If you don't get it out you're going to stop reading books and only watch Lifetime and become a cat lady!"

Myka stared at her partner silent and wide-eyed. He was such an odd mixture of sage and silly; boyish and wise. It was no wonder she'd confused brotherly love for romantic love. In the absence of her heart's true desire he had been such a comforting consolation.

A sad smile broke across her features and she looked down knowing his words, at least the first part, to be correct. The second part was a tad alarmist yet , she acknowledged, weirdly probable. She exhaled and looked out the window. "What do you want me to do Pete? Drop everything and have a long, excruciating conversation with Helena over tea and scones until we both feel better about our feelings? Hug and make up and go back to being best girlfriends?" she kicked the floor of the cab angrily with her booted foot.

"Well-" Pete started but Myka didn't let him.

"Life is messy Pete and this stuff between Helena and I? It's like an oil spill. There's no way to ever totally clean it all up."

The cab pulled up to their location effectively ending the conversation. Pete followed Myka out commenting, "That was poetic."

"Stay focused." Myka ordered. She was done with the subject of Helena.

"Poetry?" HG replied in regards to Steve's question, "Yes darling I know plenty of poetry. None of it mine, of course. I was never any good at composing it but I do have a flair for recitation."

In a show of solidarity Claudia and Steve were now also drunk and the three of them were just hanging out in the hotel room. "Tell us a poem that comes to mind when you think about Myka." Steve urged. He was laying on the bed with the women but his head was hanging off the side so all he could see was the ceiling. Steve fun fact number two: when he is drunk he acts like a swoony teenage girl.

Helena got a far off look in her eye and a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. "Alright, but not the entire thing, just the best bit." She closed her eyes and began to recite the lines from memory, "There's joy in the hopeful morning. There's peace in the parting day. There's sorrow with every lover, whose true love is far away. To thee, my Love, to thee—, so fain would I come to thee! And the water's bright in a still moonlight, as I look across the sea."

Claudia and Steve both sighed in contentment at the beauty of the words. Regardless of one's sexual preference there was no denying HG was a _catch._ They were both a little jealous in that regard. "That was so beautiful. Who is it?" Claudia asked.

"William Allingham. An Irishman. Say what you will about them but the Irish do have a flair for poetry." Helena was forgetting she was long past the time when people bore any ill-will toward the Irish.

"My hands are tied, my body bruised, she's got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose." Steve stated to which Claudia made a nauseous noise.

"That was rather lovely Steve, who was that?" HG asked innocently.

Steve fun fact number three: he LOVES U2. He celebrates their entire catalog. "Oh, just another Irishman, named Bono!" His voice went higher with excitement.

"Bono?" HG asked, intrigued. "I would like to hear more of this Bono."

"Oh God, no you wouldn't! You really wouldn't!" Claudia begged but it was too late. Steve was already bringing it up on his phone. They were moments away from a U2 dance party and Claudia knew it.

End Part II

****Let me know what you think so far & thanks for reading!****


	3. Chapter 3

Walking up to the door of the half-way house they noticed something odd. Music was pumping out of the structure and it sounded really good. "A halfway house with a kicking sound system?" Pete asked suspiciously. They had to bang on the door multiple times before someone even heard them.

When the door opened a very large, very muscular man with a lot of morbid tattoos answered gruffly, "Can I help you?"

They flashed their badges, "Secret Service," Myka began, "Mind if we come in?"

The man looked annoyed but stepped aside to allow them in. He watched them enter confidently and look around. "Not that it's any of my business I suppose but what does the Secret Service want with a bunch of recovering junkies?"

"We're not at liberty to share that information. Where did this sound system come from?" Pete asked admiring it. He was getting a very bad feeling. It felt like a slug slithering up his spine.

"It was a donation." The man unabashedly lied. The agents shared a glance but let it slide. For the moment it was less confrontational than the truth.

"An outside donor?" Myka suggested knowingly.

The man's voice grew quite loud as he answered, "Look, agents, whatever questions you have you should ask them now." It was clear he was using the volume of his voice to alert more people in the household of their presence. The tension thickened silencing everything save the shuffling build up to what was clearly going to be a house fight.

"Myka," Pete said cautiously as every nerve ending he possessed fired in anticipation of the first swing, "Did you remember to stretch this morning?" She never got to answer. Instead the big man threw a punch at Pete and the melee began.

Artie was getting nervous. He hadn't heard from anyone on the team in awhile. _Lord knows what that meant._ Finally giving in to temptation, he threw open the Farnsworth and dialed Pete and Myka. It took awhile for them to answer and once they did he could see why. It looked and sounded like they were in a warzone, just like when Claudia called him. "What's happening?" he demanded.

"Uh, well, we found the guy. But uh, he has a fair amount of backup." Pete stated in heavy breaths. A visible explosion went off near the agent and he balled himself up defensively before recovering, "So, yeah, I mean it's cool and all we've just got an entire house full of junkies and criminals street-fighting us and a guy armed with bad joke explosives."

"Bad joke explosives?" Artie questioned.

"Carrot Top." Pete declared, "Needless to say the guys' got a lot of bombs."

Artie winced in agreement. "Where's Myka?"

Pete paused and scanned the area. Turning the Farnsworth to face his partner he replied, "Over there."

Quite capably, Myka had a very large, quite hairy man in a headlock about eight yards away.

"Mykes! You good?" Pete called unconcerned.

Myka looked up from slowly applying increasing pressure to the man's meaty neck and smiled happily. "Yeah, why? Do you need something?" As if multitasking at that particular moment was totally doable.

"No, I just had to tag out for a second and talk to angry grampa_._" Pete replied indicating the Farnsworth.

"No prob!" Myka said in a breezy tone, "This is actually doing wonders for all of my pent up emotion and aggression. It's better than pilates!" Presently, the large man finally lost consciousness and collapsed to the ground. Another man came up behind her but she knew he was there. Leaning forward she kicked backward landing a solid hit to his mid section and dropping him to his knees. A follow up thunk to the back of the head put him out completely.

With more zeal than she would admit to later, she searched for anyone else still looking for a fight. She and Pete did most of the heavy fighting inside the house earlier. Those remaining still had a little steam left in them. Little did they know how much steam still lurked in the lanky, dark haired agent.

"Where are Steve and Claudia?" Artie asked.

"They are working on a parallel assignment." Pete covered lamely.

"What is a parallel assignment? What assignment?" The man asked brusquely.

"Remember how you didn't want to send Myka and me to New York?"

"Right, in case you ran into-Oh no." Artie gasped.

"It's not as bad as it sounds," Pete hurried to reassure the man, "The circumstances have changed. I spoke to HG. She's different."

Artie sighed, rubbed his temple and looked at Pete through the view screen, "You and I both know the stuff between them is, well, complicated."

"Ha! No! See that's where you're wrong!" Pete defended, adding, "And kind of right, but mostly wrong. Nevermind, listen Artie just trust my instinct on this one? You know I'd die before I let anyone hurt Myka again."

Through the Farnsworth the older man tried to see into the eyes of his agent. It was a gamble. Whatever Pete was doing was usually a gamble but he'd learned to trust when he put his gut-feelings on the line. "Alright then Agent Lattimer, you have two assignments. Get them both done."

"Yes sir." Pete stated. He slammed the Farnsworth and scanned the area for Myka ready to return to the fray.

Despite her typical potent distaste for U2, Claudia managed to drink just enough and to be just comfortable enough to let go and rock-the-frak-out to some serious U2. She synced Steve's phone through the hotel room tv and had the speakers cranked. All three of them were singing, "In the name of love! What more in the name of love? In the name of looove, what more in the name of love?"

The lyrics died down and the instruments took over. Helena, overjoyed with the new musical discovery and continued intoxication yelled, "I love these bloody Irishmen!"

As she danced Claudia countered, "Well you're a little late to that train HG but apparently Steve's still riding. You two can nerd out on U2 together from now on!" Claudia declared.

"Do you want to go to their concert in May?" He asked Helena.

"Absolutely!" Helena yelled throwing up her arms and dancing unabashedly. It was interesting, as a woman from the Victorian period, how quickly the inventor adapted to a more modern sense of confidence in her body and sexuality. Then again, maybe she always had it. Either way she was a very good, blush-inducing, dancer.

When the song finally faded out Claudia spoke up, "Can I just say, I know we came here for the comedy artifacts but I'm really glad we got put on Helena-duty instead." As soon as she said it Claudia realized she'd misspoken.

"What did you say?" Helena asked her expression and entire countenance switching into that of an eerie and sudden sobriety.

"Oh, I meant, you know, I'm glad we came down here to say hi?"

"You were sent to babysit me?" Helena asked her voice flattening.

"Sort of." Claudia's face was scrunched up in the hopes it would assist in conveying her desire not to upset the woman. "I mean you kind of stalked Myka and then stuck around and got drunk in the hotel lobby with her upstairs. Not exactly behavior her friends should just ignore."

Helena was initially angered by the fact that she'd been considered a threat but quickly enough, even drunk, she had to own her self-made history. "Alright." She said evenly. Claudia and Steve didn't say anything hoping the tension would lessen if they didn't speak, besides, Bono was still yelling.

"Listen," Helena began her voice softening, "I don't want the night to end on an unpleasant note. Let's keep dancing!" The writer threw herself back into dancing.

Steve and Claudia exchanged looks with the man remarking quietly, "It's kind of freaky how HG can go from drunk to sober and back instantly."

"It's completely terrifying." The girl agreed before they rejoined the inventor.

When Bono finally allowed the song to end, Claudia shot Steve a deeply mischievous look before asking the raven haired woman, "Helena, have you ever heard of Beyonce?"

"Bee-yon-seh?" Helena repeated her tone questioning veracity of the words very existence.

Steve's face became solemn when he realized the writer was a Bey-virgin. He paused a beat before declaring with secret glee, "We are going to be up ALL NIGHT."

The three of them exchanged ecstatic looks, rushed each other in a group hug and screamed and laughed like teenagers.

Awhile later, Pete and Myka trudged into an all-night diner and collapsed in a booth. The waitress came by before they'd even said a word to each other. "Coffees." Myka ordered for both of them, "Black, hot. Some pie for him, a piece of each. I want an omelet, three eggs, tomatoes, spinach, mushrooms and a side of hashbrowns, crispy."

"Got it honey." The waitress replied her pen tapping hard on the notepad to punctuate her statement. She was highly amused by the female agent. Looking at the gentleman in the booth she quipped, "Bet she's a handful at home." Myka gave her a look and the woman retreated.

Pete called after her, "You have no idea!"

The coffee came quickly and Myka sucked it down. She looked at Pete with a smile saying, "That was a great assignment. I'd forgotten how much I like being in the field, getting physical."

"Yeah, you seem a little, I don't know, amped up." Pete observed between more measured and fatigued sips.

Myka nodded in agreement her moss green eyes widening with earnestness, "Yeah I feel that way. I don't know I just have energy, ya know? I mean beating up all those guys was great but I still need something." She looked around the mostly empty diner more to avoid her partner's scrutiny than out of interest for her surroundings. Finally looking back and seeing him still watching her she covered, "The food should do the trick."

"Ha, _right._" Pete replied.

Myka noted but ignored his sarcastic tone as the waitress returned and wordlessly topped off their coffee. The agent stared into the rich brown brew and thought of Helena's eyes. They were rich and deep and always pulled Myka in so effortlessly. They were mesmerizing because they were equal measures darkness and light. What did Goethe say? _There is strong shadow where there is much light._ Helena had so much light in her. Myka felt it like a heat ray warming her heart whenever she was near the writer. But it was Helena's shadow, always at her heels and fighting against both of them, against their love. It was a mess.

Myka sighed audibly from the pressure of her thoughts and Pete looked up. Luckily she didn't have to defend her utterance because food was being placed in front of them. Myka eagerly tore through it like a coal miner after an eighteen hour shift. She barely spared her partner a glance until her plate was clean.

Pete was slower with his pies. The day, both emotional with Myka and HG and physical with the artifact snagging, had taken a toll on him. He was more tired than hungry, a rare occurrence. Assuredly, he was still going to eat all three slices. It was just going to take him a bit longer. As he finished the first slice he noticed Myka already done eating and staring once more into her coffee cup.

"Penny for your thoughts." Pete offered his mouth full of banana cream pie.

Myka smiled weakly her lips more pouted than normal, "It's still there Pete."

"What? You want something else to eat?" He looked for the waitress.

Myka shook her head, "No. It wasn't food. I guess it's something else."

Wanting to diffuse Myka's impending negativity spiral the man joked, "Okay, fine if you want to make out for a little bit that's cool, just let me finish my pie first."

A laugh burst out of her and she kicked the man lightly under the table, "You're an idiot." The words were derogatory but her tone was grateful. A more comfortable silence fell between them and neither felt the need to break it.

Pete finished his pies about ten minutes later. The trunk and all of the remaining artifacts had been secured using the portable goo can, wrapped and given to the local police to keep secure until the warehouse agents left town. Mission complete, Pete and Myka walked the few blocks from the diner to the hotel. Claudia and Steve's room had two beds. The agents planned to double up with them.

"I'll sleep without my shirt on tonight for Steve." Pete remarked as if it was the most obvious of friendly gestures.

"You do realize what you would be doing is considered sexual harassment in the workplace." Myka pointed out.

"It's not like that. I just thought he would appreciate it. I mean, I work so hard to keep this Spartan-like physique and who actually appreciates it? No one."

"So you want to pressure the gay guy into giving you attention? How is that not the definition of sexual harassment?"

Annoyed with how Myka was twisting his words, (because despite how it sounded, in Pete's own warped and slightly vain way, he wasn't trying to make anyone uncomfortable) Pete offered an exasperated exclamation, "Well sometimes you fraking gays need a little pressuring!"

Myka reared back from his petulant outburst. "Whoa, what are you even talking about?"

With the door to their hotel rapidly approaching Pete knew it was now or never in terms of giving Myka and HG Wells one last chance. They jogged up the steps to the hotel and Pete opened the door letting Myka through first. As he followed behind her and through the lobby he said, "Listen, Mykes, I have to tell you something."

Myka paused short of the elevator when she heard her partner's tone. He sounded nervous. He rarely sounded that way. "What is it?" she asked, facing him.

Her expectant eyes made him hesitant and he panicked blurting, "The pecan pinwheels!"

Myka looked rightly confused, "What?"

"From earlier, the pinwheels. I had to get them from the machine down here because of the manager and all. I want to get more before we go upstairs. Wait for me?"

"You just ate three pieces of—nevermind." Myka abruptly ended her sentence realizing it was directed at his already retreating form.

She waited a few minutes impatiently tapping her foot on the red carpeted floor until he returned. When he did she hit the elevator button. "Worth it?" she asked as Pete took a bite.

"Always." Pete replied. The elevator doors closed them in and as they slowly climbed floors Pete knew he had no more stall tactics to play. If he didn't say something now Myka might never forgive him. With a mouth full of vending-machine pastry he quickly tossed it out almost as if he hoped she wouldn't notice, "HG is in a room down the hall and she's—"

"WHAT!?" Myka asked her entire body tensing and her face going red, "She's STILL HERE?"

Pete's blood ran cold. Not for himself for it was clear he was not the target of her anger. He replied, albeit quietly, "Well, see, its complicated-"

Myka's growl interrupted him. It sounded primal. In contrast the light, almost ethereal sound of the elevator floor bell dinged and the doors opened. The sounds of someone on the floor obnoxiously blaring Beyonce and screaming the lyrics filled the hallway. It only added to the oddity of the moment. The female agent, with steely focus in her eyes glared at her partner and demanded, "What room?"

Pete actually, for real, gulped before he answered, "Three down from Claudia and Steve, on the left." Myka exited the elevator with a purpose so singular in her countenance Pete knew there was nothing he could do to stop her. He allowed her a few paces before following.

Reaching the door Myka pounded on it with her entire forearm, Federal-officer-style. The sound of laughter could be heard. Then silence followed by sudden whispering directly on the other side. She could hear her name and a strange girlish squeal. It annoyed her. "OPEN THE DOOR NOW!" she demanded her voice taking its deepest and most intimidating tone.

"She sounds so _butch_." A girly Helena whispered to Claudia and Steve. Claudia nodded agreement and Steve elbowed her, "You _love_ it."

Helena's eyes closed and she agreed with dreamy-delight, "I do! I'm mad for it actually."

"HELENA!" Myka yelled.

The door quickly opened and three chastised current and former warehouse agents looked up at the towering Agent Bering. Myka took one look at the disheveled trio and asked with scorn in her tone, "Are you all DRUNK?"

"No!" Claudia yelled followed by Steve, "No!"

"Absolutely!" Helena declared with a winning smile.

Myka's tone effectively killed any merriment in the room when she ordered, "Turn off the music and everyone get out except Helena!"

Steve and Claudia did as they were told bolting out of the room. The minute they crossed the threshold into the hallway Pete was waiting. He grabbed them by the collar and threw them down the hall like helicopter rescue in a combat zone. "Get the hell out of there guys! It's going DOWN and we can only hope it's in the explicitly sexual way and not the very violent, messy way!"

"I'm afraid for them." Steve replied looking at hotel room door with regret. The trio all silently agreed with his assessment but continued their retreat.

Back in the room the temperature was ice cold. Myka's anger radiated from her in waves as she stared Helena down. Helena felt Myka's energy and wasn't sure what to do with it other than stand her ground.

"You're STILL HERE." Myka stated hoping the disdain in her voice was evident.

It was. Helena felt a stab of pain in her heart. She nodded, "Yes, I am but not why you think. Or at least, not completely why you think."

The curly-haired agent exhaled hard and moved toward the woman. Their bodies were only a ruler's length apart. "I don't care about that Helena! Get out of here!" she yelled, "Stop lingering in the periphery of my world pulling me apart! Leave already!"

A silent beat then, "I don't want to leave." Helena stated plainly.

"Are you sure?" Myka countered, "Because you've been really good at leaving in the past!"

Her words cut to the quick and Helena felt her own anger rising. She shoved Myka out of her space, "I have PAIN!" she yelled at the other woman who stumbled backward. There was more, "I have pain that you could never understand! I have hurt and sorrow buried so deep inside me it's mixed up with my very marrow! I lived in darkness for nearly a century before you were even BORN! And now you're angry about me dashing off a few times? What does it matter?"

"BECAUSE I LOVED YOU HELENA!" The statement was as definitive as it was loud. Like a mighty, reverberating bell. Myka continued, "That's why it matters!" Helena's proclamation of pain was horrendous to hear but it didn't change how Myka felt or her right to feel it. She was in Helena's face again. Their foreheads practically touched but it wasn't romantic. It was angry and it was raw. Myka put her hands on Helena's shoulders and pushed her into the wall behind her. The woman made a loud thud as the wind was knocked out of her. She gasped and looked with surprised eyes at the taller agent pinning her. "Dammit Helena! I'm so angry with you!"

Helena looked defiantly at the woman who pinned her, "Oh _you _are angry with me? Well queue up with the rest of them darling! I'm afraid it will be awhile until you get a crack at me. There are people who've been queuing since the 1800s!" She leaned forward trying to intimidate the taller woman.

"That's not very funny." Myka replied with more sadness than anger.

"It was meant to be mean."

"Why?"

"Because I AM MEAN. I'm a horrible person Myka! I have killed multiple people without regard. I've done cruel and regrettable things to many people. I've done them to you!"

Frustration overwhelmed Agent Bering and she took it out on Helena shoving her harder into the wall as she declared, "Your anger doesn't scare me," She paused and her wide eyes looked to the writer like the infinite, rolling greenery of Kent Downs. Just before she was lost in them Myka added, "Your absence does." It was a truth which seemed until now so painfully obvious to Myka and so confoundingly unfathomable to Helena it made her want to punch the time-traveler but she gritted her teeth and held back.

It all made sense now. Helena finally saw it. She saw how angry Myka rightfully was. Just because pain was not measured out to each person in equal portions didn't give her the right to be dismissive of the other woman's hurt. Myka was aching. This beautiful, perfect woman who loved her in spite of her monstrous imperfections was practically lighting a signal fire between them to get Helena's attention and instead of heading the call, the inventor was blinded by maudlin, self-pity.

Why did she deny her love for Myka for so long? Now seeing the time she'd wasted and the gambles she'd taken with their love Helena suddenly understood a heady truth. The anger she'd been reserving; hoarding and gathering like an anxious squirrel was for herself and it was the most menacing of all.

It was time to let it out. Thankfully she was drunk enough to do something about it. Applying a rapid, evasive Kempo maneuver to gain the upper-hand she quickly had Myka's dominant arm folded painfully behind her. Her lips met an ear amidst brown curls and spoke low, "If you're angry at me Agent Bering don't hold back on my account." She gave Myka's arm a controlled jerk, it was enough to startle the woman but not hurt her.

Myka threw her leg around Helena's and managed to knock her off balance. They fell awkwardly to a heap on the floor. It was a struggle, their strengths well matched. Eventually, Myka had Helena pinned on her left side. It wasn't entirely secure. She pressed her full body-weight into the smaller woman. The writer strained against her. "Do you feel helpless yet?" Myka demanded. Her tone still held such malice Helena felt how serious she was. She offered the woman crushing her from above a loving smile before jerking up and head butting her.

The crack was loud. It was meant to stun not break or maim but it still hurt badly and triggered a bloody nose. Myka was thrown off balance and Helena got righted once more. She ran behind the taller woman and threw an arm around her neck, head-locking her. She squeezed tightly. "If you like it rough darling," she leaned in close to Myka's ear once more suggesting devilishly, "I can accommodate that."

Myka was panting as her airway slowly closed. She had to act fast or Helena would get the best of her and that was important for some reason. Reaching up she locked her hands behind the inventor's neck and pulled downward causing HG to topple forward in an unpleasant somersault. "Bugger!" Helena cursed as her back slammed against the floor.

"Am I hurting you?!" Myka exclaimed scrambling on top of HG and straddling her. She drew back and smacked the inventor across the face, hard. The writer was stunned and Myka leaned down in her ear this time her hot breath grazed the lobe as she declared, "I don't care." She pulled her hand back to slap the woman again.

Helena caught her wrist this time and yanked on it. Myka fell on top of her. HG applied pressure in such a way as to make her cry out. Their faces were close exchanging bursts of hot breath. In that moment Helena saw the real pain in Myka's eyes. Their chests heaved together and HG released Myka's wrist stating honestly, "Hit me then."

Myka looked confused and Helena repeated it, "Hit me." She flashed a brief smile adding, "If you detest me so much, prove it." Myka bit her bottom lip but took no additional encouragement. She pulled back and hit the woman below her.

Helena cursed but did not cry out. She breathed heavily, "Do it again." Myka hit her again. Helena squinted through the pain and dropped her head onto the floor. She exercised her jaw fighting the throbbing sting with a curse, "You Americans punch like chits!"

Myka felt spent. Instead of pulling back again she sighed heavily her body weight re-adjusting against Helena's waist and hips. The inventor sucked in her breath and closed her eyes this time for pleasurable reasons. Myka watched the way the time traveler responded to her and felt her emotions shifting quickly into a feverish desire. "Helena," she spoke her name, this time with need.

The writer looked with wide eyes at the woman above her like she was seeing her for the first time. In a way she was. It was the first time she was permitted to openly adore her and to take in the stunning woman like a poem.

Overwhelmed, Helena covered her face with her arms in a rather adorable gesture as she took a deep breath speaking through them, "Myka darling if you want to both kill me and make love to me I'm fine with both as long as you wouldn't mind doing it in the reverse order."

This made the agent laugh in spite of the situation. Looking down at Helena she marveled in the moment. "Is this real?" she asked.

Helena pulled her arms from her face and rested them on Myka's warm thighs. She knew what the younger woman was asking. On many levels this moment seemed too good to be true for both of them but she resolved to solidfy it and no longer permit it to be a potentiality but a fact, "This is real my love."

A tear HG hadn't noticed fell from Myka's soft green eyes and landed near a button on the writer's shirt. "Helena." Myka spoke her name heavily, laden with emotion. Helena loved when Myka said her first name. Almost no one used it but her and that was fine by Helena. No one else made it sound so wonderful anyway. She looked at the woman above her expectantly. Myka continued, "Say you're back for good. Please. Just say we are _forever_."

There was no hiding the pleading in the taller woman's voice. And there was no point in denying her desire to be everything Myka ever wanted, "We are forever. I'm sorry the rest of me took so much time catching up to where my heart has always been."

The words caressed Myka in a way only a writer could. She closed her eyes and emitted what sounded to HG like a sensual purr as she allowed her body weight to fall slowly and sensuously on top of the woman beneath her. Just before she kissed her Myka offered in a husky tone, "Of course I fell in love with a writer."

Pete was nervously pacing in Claudia and Steve's room. "What do you think is going on? Do you think they are both dead?"

"Dead?" Steve asked. He and Claudia were eating room service, lots of it. "They can't both be dead."

The larger man was quite for a few moments a pained expression on his face. Claudia noticed and wondered if he needed to use the facilities but then he piped up, "I'm concentrating hard but my intuition is failing me on this one guys, I've got nothing!" The panic was evident in his eyes.

"What is the worst that could happen?" Claudia asked still tipsy. She had her lap-top out and was doing something called drunk-hacking. "I just made it so when you click on the menu links for the five best restaurants in the city it takes you to the McDonald's menu instead!"

"That's amazing!" Steve declared then thought, "Hey, make it so when you go to the US Navy recruitment webpage it just plays Cher's 'If I Could Turn Back Time' music video on a constant loop."

"The one where she's in fishnets and duct-tape surrounded by navymen on a destroyer?" Claudia asked.

"Obviously that one." Steve countered.

" You are sick, sick man and I love you for it!" Claudia replied as she commenced with his request.

"Not that you guys even care but it's possible when we go to that room in the morning we will have to deal with blood and absent limbs."

"Oh you'll be dealing with bodies alright. But not limbless ones." Steve joked.

"What do you know?" Pete asked.

"Those girls are so gay for each other they could power this entire city block for a week. Let them do their thing. Stop intervening." Steve punctuated his statement by taking a large bite out of a hoagie.

"Hey, I didn't know you had a hoagie. Can I have it?" Pete asked.

Before Steve could respond he was cut off by the sound of Helena loudly eliciting Myka's name in a drawn-out, very long, very suggestive, moan.

Looking up from her laptop with an expression of victory and slight nausea Claudia replied, "She finally said Myka's name with the right person."

"Three doors down and across the hall, not bad." Pete remarked approvingly at the volume. Though he was pleased with the outcome of his efforts, he never wanted to hear that sound again in reference to the woman who was now decidedly NOT a romantic interest.

Another suggestive sound wafted to them and the novelty officially wore off. "Television?" Pete asked eagerly wanting to mask any additional sounds.

"Yes, something loud and constant please." Steve added.

"How about this live, pay-per-view, three-hour death metal concert?" Claudia asked when she checked the guide.

"Charge it to the room!" Pete stated. He swiped a piece of fried chicken from the room service cart since Steve was clearly not interested in surrendering the hoagie and plopped on the bed. The three of them settled in for a weird, loud night.

The next morning the trio awoke to Claudia's Farnsworth beeping. She fumbled and opened it with her eyes closed not even bothering to hold it up. It lay on her stomach facing the ceiling fan.

Artie hypnotically watched the fan rotate a few times before stating tiredly, "Claudia! What's happening? Did you secure the artifacts?"

"Snagged, bagged and tagged El Capitan." Claudia answered still without moving.

"And what about uh," the man cleared his throat, "the uh, parallel mission?"

Pete's groggy voice came from under a pillow on the floor, between the two beds, "If I had to guess I would say that mission also ended in a snagging, bagging and tagging."

"Wow that's gross." Artie replied.

"Yeah man, not when I'm hungover." Steve replied from his bed making a sour face and rolling away from the other two agents.

Even in their various states of exhaustion and recovery they were still ready long before they heard a peep from Myka and Helena.

Pete looked at his watch. "It's almost check out time. I don't want to pay for another day if I don't have to. I'm already paying for the entire contents of a mini-bar." He gave an accusatory eye to his friends.

"Look man you told us to watch Helena you didn't say _how_." Claudia defended through sunglasses she was wearing indoors.

Instead of responding verbally Pete just leaned toward them both and started loudly and rapidly clapping. The sound offended their raw, recovering senses and they both recoiled. "Okay, Okay stop it. We won't do it again." Steve vowed batting at Pete's hands with his own.

Sunlight poured through the large windows of Helena's hotel room. In the romantic haste of the previous night neither had thought to pull the shade. Golden rays poured over their bleached bedding like honey dripping from the comb. Stark white linens etched a contrast against Myka's bronzed skin. Brown locks spilled over the tall agent's contours and obscured most of her face save her lips and a single, closed eye.

Helena felt light headed beholding the woman she loved finally before her, finally offering her the limitless softness of her perfect body. It was more than she ever dreamed. Unable to deny the temptation offered up by the radiant sunlight bathing her love's body Helena pressed forward. Her body eased against Myka's stretching the length of her as her head nuzzled into the crook of her neck. She breathed deeply taking in all of the taller woman. When Myka awoke and lifted slightly against the inventor, Helena snaked her arms under her and held her tight. "I love you forever Myka Bering."

Myka threw her arms around the woman she'd loved for so long and held her close. "I was always yours Helena, from the beginning."

Helena laughed and kissed Myka soundly. When she pulled back she wore a smile so broad it looked like it might break her face. Myka looked at her in wonder, "What is it?" she asked.

Helena sighed happily and twisted her fingers through the woman's curls, "I look at you and can think only in poetry." Helena replied. Myka's unabashed, love-filled gaze and unyielding beauty washed over her like loving, lapping waves in warm south pacific waters.

Myka laughed rolling onto her stomach and burying her face in her pillow. "Your compliments embarrass me."

"Well you will just have to acclimate yourself to them for I've no intention of stopping."

The curly haired agent smiled again and reached for Helena's hand. Clasping she tugged on it and swiftly moved to straddle the smaller woman. She brought her hands up and gently cupped her face. Her lips brushed over Helena's. "You are perfect." She said in loving awe. Her left thumb brushed over the raven haired woman's bruised cheekbone, "Sorry about your eye." She whispered before peppering it with soft kisses.

Helena's breath was shallow as she said, "I'm sorry I head-butted you." She shifted her body under Myka hoping the motion would suggest more robust activities. Myka smiled at the movement and moved to comply but their plans were halted by a swift knock at the door. Both women exhaled frustratedly.

"Open up in there. I need to know you guys are okay!" Pete yelled into the hotel door.

They shared a look before getting out of bed and throwing on the complimentary robes provided by the hotel (Pete's credit card). Helena went to the door while Myka tidied up the bed as best she could which wasn't very good.

Pete, Claudia and Steve watched as the door swung open and a very disheveled, robed Helena sporting a dark black eye, bruised jaw and a large smile greeted them with a chipper, "Hello Team!"

The three remained in the doorway confused. Claudia spoke up honestly, "I have no idea what's happening."

"Helena," Pete began, "Is everything alright? What happened?"

Helena chuckled and walked back into the room assuming the trio would follow. "Everything is absolutely perfect Agent Lattimer."

The three slowly moved into the room still not able to see Myka. Pete pressed, "What's with the shiner then?"

The writer let the question stand for a beat, smiled as if pleased with herself and declared jovially, "Couldn't be helped I'm afraid."

"Are you possibly still drunk?" Claudia asked.

"Most likely!" HG confirmed.

"Hey guys." Myka spoke once in their view. She sat on the edge of the tousled bed, in a matching robe, drinking a glass of water.

"Alright," Steve began uncomfortably taking inventory, "You're both alive, there are two robes, and one shiner. Yep, I'm good on what happened here. See you guys in the lobby." He wanted out of there as quickly as possible.

Claudia was on his heels talking nervously in her hasty retreat, "Agreed partner. Congratulations you two. I will hug you both later. After you've showered." There was an awkward beat before she added, "The black eye thing is kinda kinky though, right? That was a curveball I wasn't expecting. Anyway, keep it consensual girls okay? I'm out!" with that, she hurried into the hall.

Pete was backing up slowly, attempting to do the same withdrawal as the others but finding it more uncomfortable as the last remaining man, "Well now that we've settled this I hope we can all get back to the normal Warehouse-_thang_. You know, catching artifacts, stopping bad guys, inventory," he pointed to himself and referenced a specific thing he liked to do, "Cookies, uh Claudia is computers, Steve likes Buddha, Artie is grumpy," he pointed to Myka, "You read a ton of weird-smelling books," pointing to Helena, "Uh, being excessively British. You know, the things we each enjoy."

"Get out of here Pete. We'll be down in an hour." Myka spoke. Glad for the order, Pete darted from the room.

The women went to each other and hugged. Myka sighed and spoke contentedly, "I love our weird, intrusive family."

"So do I my love. I haven't felt happiness like this for a very long time."

The END

Notes:

The poem Helena borrows a bit of is called: Across the Sea by William Allingham.

When Helena declares that Americans punch like "chits" she is using a Victorian derogatory term for a small or frail woman.


	4. Epilogue

Epilogue

A week after the fateful journey to New York City saw Helena re-re-reinstated by the regents and back in residence at the B&B. Abigail was happy to meet the legendary woman and equally happy to, at Myka's urging and Helena's complicity, begin counseling the inventor on a regular basis. It was helping.

As a couple, Helena and Myka were brilliantly happy, totally in love and in the rest of the Warehouse residents' opinion, excessively handsy.

"You know," Pete began as he polished off a pint of rocky-road for lunch at the meal table in the B&B, "I'm glad Myka and HG are together and all but there have been moments I've regretted it."

"Like the broken bathroom lock incident?" Steve supplied.

Pete looked away blushing like a church girl watching the movie Caligula, "Among others."

"I wish someone would have given me a head's up that the ovoid quarantine has been re-christened, make-out-central." Claudia furthered, "I went in there to transition Captain Kangaroo's blazer to the twelfth sector and saw things that make the L-Word look like a Baby Einstein program."

"Be fair guys, their love was a long time coming," Abigail countered to which Steve interjected,

"That's not the way it sounded this morning."

Claudia and Pete both exclaimed, "Eeew!" and Artie offered only a rumbling grunt of disapproval.

Abigail remained in therapist mode though she wanted to laugh at Steve's joke, "What I mean is, it took them a long time to find each other. There's a lot of pent up energy for them to work out. It would be better if they could be a bit more considerate about where they are exercising that love but can you blame them? Even before she met Myka, HG had no sexual or physical contact with anyone for more than a hundred years."

"Almost as long as Artie." Claudia quipped.

"Hey!" The man barked.

Abigail laughed that time but continued, "I will talk to them about curtailing themselves in more public areas." The rest of the group offered a relieved sigh and muttered thanks.

A few moments later HG and Myka appeared at the table to join the others for lunch. They both glowed like the sun going nova. HG happily trotted into the kitchen to make she and Myka a sandwich. Myka took a seat at the table her smile practically exploding from her face.

"Hey Mykes, you can put away the chiclets," Pete replied in reference to her toothy grin, "We all more than know you two are in Crazy, Stupid Love and I'm the super-ripped Ryan Gosling who got you together."

Her smile twisted into the confused half-frown she typically gave the man, "I don't think you've actually seen that movie," Myka began, "You just like how ripped Ryan Gosling was, didn't you?"

Called out, Pete looked away replying, "Yes, but only in a one-sexy-straight-guy-to-another kind of way."

"Welcome to Warehouse 13," Claudia began elbowing Abigail, "Where the straights act gay and the gays act straight."

"It's a topsy-turvy place." Steve added happily.

"I'm sorry guys," Myka spoke her voice more serious, "I know HG and I have been a bit careless lately. It's just that we're so sexually ca—"

"Ahhh!" Everyone else in the room reacted. Some jumped from their chairs, others covered their ears, Claudia started praying, whatever they could do to stop Myka from continuing.

"Okay, okay, sorry, I'm already doing it again." The curly haired agent realized with a goofy smile.

"Not without me I hope." HG declared saucily as she appeared holding two plates.

"If you guys don't figure out how to take down the gross factor a few notches I'm going to go live in a tent out back." Claudia affirmed. The rest of the group nodded their agreement then quickly became enraptured by the deliciousness HG placed on the table in front of Myka and herself. It looked like heaven and smelled divine.

"This looks wonderful Helena." Myka spoke lovingly.

Pete's mouth was watering as he asked, "What is that beautiful thing?"

Helena smiled and replied casually, "I've been studying modern American cuisine. I decided to try my hand at a grilled cheese."

"If that's what a grilled cheese is supposed to look like, I've been doing it wrong." Steve announced. He too found the sandwich to be magnificent.

"Well I changed it up a bit of course. I do love to tinker. It's actually a brie and bacon grilled cheese with an Anjou pear compote."

Unable to contain his emotions any longer Pete jumped up from the table and announced petulantly, "Why does Myka get to have all the good stuff?" He stomped out of the room knowing if he stayed any longer in the same vicinity as that sandwich he was going to do something he regretted.

Artie also stood from the table and excused himself, "Since I just completed a very disappointing lunch of bran flakes I too am leaving and heading to the Warehouse before I commit sandwich theft."

That left Claudia, Abigail and the loving couple. "You can cook too?" Claudia asked annoyance clear in her voice.

"Here and there." HG stated, "Mostly French cuisine, a touch of Italian and the occasional curry." Myka beamed at the woman as she chewed her sandwich.

"I made a Hot Pocket yesterday and thought I was fancy when I pre-mixed the hot sauce and ranch." Claudia stated sadly.

"I made a casserole the other day." Abigail chimed in to which Claudia offered her a dubious look since she never saw said casserole. The older woman finished, "It caught on fire inside the oven. When I pulled it out it looked like a charcoal briquette."

"That's why the smoke alarm went off." Claudia concluded. The older woman nodded in the affirmative.

There was a few moments of pregnant silence while the loving couple ate their lunch and Abigail and Claudia exchanged furtive glances. Claudia wanted the older woman to finish talking to the couple about their vigorous displays of affection. She cleared her throat to emphasize her point.

Myka and HG looked at the girl and Abigail spoke to redirect their attention, "So, um, HG, as we were saying to Myka, if it would be at all possible to curtail your amorous impulses in public areas of the B&B and Warehouse the rest of us would appreciate it."

The inventor's eyebrow raised with amusement as the corners of her mouth pulled back in a self satisfied smile. "Over one hundred years into the future and I'm still scandalizing people," HG pronounced and quipped, "And Americans at that, what a delight." She smiled at Myka who blushed from the tips of her toes to the roots of her hair.

Claudia shook her head half in frustration and half in awe, "How do you do that HG?" she began, "You didn't even say anything inappropriate just now at all but it still sounded suggestive as hell!"

"Well I am a writer darling." The inventor countered.

"Right. Master and commander of every word in the English language except one right?" Claudia replied wickedly. HG didn't follow and her expression showed as much. Claudia furthered, "You always use the right word at the right time except one word. One very important, very proper noun."

Realization hit the writer. It was her turn to blush as she demurred, "Oh yes, well of course but that is hardly something we need to bring up now."

Surprised Claudia looked at Myka who was clearly oblivious, "You didn't tell her?" she questioned the inventor.

HG shook her head tersely and Myka pushed, "Tell me what?"

"Nothing darling, bit of a touchy subject is all. Makes me uncomfortable."

"Oh well we wouldn't want that would we?" Claudia asked sarcastically, "I'll tell you what's uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is walking into the Ovoid Quarantine with an ugly blazer from the seventies and seeing your best friends groping each other like drunk teenagers. Myka I saw your left boob! Helena was crushing it so hard I thought she was giving you a mammogram!"

Abigail couldn't keep it in this time. She laughed loudly and nodded. Claudia spoke the truth, the hilarious truth.

"Alright, Alright we get it." Helena protested.

"Do you?" Claudia questioned, "Pete is starting to get this weird tick when he has to use the upstairs bathroom because of what you two exposed him to last time."

Myka frowned, shook her head and conceded, "Yeah that one was really out of line. We should fix that lock. You're right. Our bad."

"I watched him tie a blindfold over his eyes and light a cigarette like he was about to be executed by firing squad before he used the bathroom this morning."

Unable to suppress a giggle Helena stood and took the two empty sandwich plates. "I believe your examples are more than enough to get Myka and I to amend our ways. Can we please change the subject?" She headed to the kitchen plates in hand before getting an answer.

As soon as she was gone Myka looked at her housemates, "What word?" They looked at her blankly and she reminded, "The proper noun HG struggles with?"

"She really didn't tell you?" Claudia replied in surprise.

Myka looked to Abigail hoping the woman would say it faster. She didn't. "Come on Claud, tell me!"

Claudia leaned in casting cautious glances toward the kitchen, "Okay but if HG tries to kill me you can't let her."

"Agreed."

"For real? Because she kills people you know. Just _kills_ them sometimes."

"She hasn't done that in at least a year." Myka defended.

"Oh well then let's get her a medal."

"I'll protect you Claud now back to the word." Myka refocused.

The red-head sighed as she spoke, "Your name Myka. HG had a problem saying your name when she was with Nate and Gazelle."

"Giselle."

"Whatever."

"What do you mean she had a problem? Like she was afraid to say it?" Myka's voice sounded hurt.

HG was back in the room before her query was answered. "Claudia, Abigail, could I trouble you to take your leave to any other location in this house but here?" It was British for "get the frak out". The two women needed no additional suggestion to make an expedient exit. Once they were gone HG turned to Myka and saw the mixture of confusion and hurt welling in her sea green eyes. "My dear I didn't see the need to tell you."

Myka rose and walked toward the inventor still lingering in the kitchen doorway. "If it is about me I think I should know Helena. Please."

Helena was embarrassed to say it. By now they'd been completely intimate both physically and emotionally. There was little unknown between them but this detail, this small cog in the machine of their perpetual love had yet to be accounted for and Helena had hoped to keep it that way. She blushed averting her gaze from the woman whose love for her lay naked in mossy green eyes. "It was not, in point of fact, that I struggled to speak your name. On the contrary I spoke it too often and in the most inappropriate instances."

Myka showed no sign of recognition. Helena sighed looking away from her love, "I blurted it uncontrollably when circumstances would have dictated I use a different name. Preferably the name of the person I was being intimate with at that moment."

Large green eyes grew larger still and the taller agent reacted by punching her lover in the arm in disbelief, "No. you. did. not!" Myka exclaimed her expression scandalized but ultimately amused.

Still avoiding the gaze of the woman with fetching curls, Helena offered, "It is how I always knew I loved you. It was you and always you I wanted Myka Bering. You were the ecstasy on my lips one hundred years before I knew you."

With those words Myka pressed her body against the time traveler and stared at Helena's mouth like it was a work of art, "Helena when you say things like that it makes me want to tear my clothes off and wrap myself around you like a spider-monkey."

"I see nothing stopping you." Helena pointed out.

Artie was hurrying back to the B&B after realizing he'd forgotten the novel he was reading. It was actually one of HG's novels, The Shape of Things To Come. It could've been written by Charles, hard to know. He made a mental note to ask HG now that she was back.

Hastily he entered the B&B. His mind was a whir of thoughts about the warehouse, where he'd placed his book, Claudia's most recent inventions and what he was going to have for dinner. Not on his mind, though at this point one wonders why the whole B&B didn't live in a state of constant red alert, was the idea that Myka and HG would be almost entirely naked and engaging in a highly depraved and certainly unsanitary act on their primary meal table.

It was so unexpected, so unsolicited and definitely gross that Artie's reaction was to scream like he'd been shot, rip his glasses from his face, throw them down and crush them to bits beneath his shoe. The act snapped the two women from their activities and they regarded him with shock as they hastily but vainly attempted to cover up what had been happening.

"Arthur!" Helena exclaimed, "Are you alright?"

"My eyes! My poor old eyes that only wanted to read your books not your Penthouse letters!" the man wailed.

Loosely covered with her shirt and jeans Helena moved toward him stating, "I don't really see why it was necessary to destroy your glasses."

"It was either that or stab out my eyes."

Amused by the man's dramatics, Helena gave him a wry look responding, "But you're farsighted."

"I was caught up in the horror of the moment!" Artie declared wiping the sudden sweat from his brow.

More fully dressed, Myka approached. "Okay okay, this is quite clearly the EXACT thing you guys have been asking us NOT to do. Our bad. Come on Helena, we need to go upstairs."

"Yes pardon me for being a prude and drawing the line at climaxing on our dining table." The man said. Just uttering the sentence made him feel like he needed a shower and have Pete drag the table out back and break it up for kindling.

Helena happily jogged behind her girlfriend up the twisting B&B stairs and into their shared room. She barely had time to shut the door before Myka was on top of her. They kissed slowly and passionately, like lovers who finally felt like at least for a moment, they had time. HG's hands ran up from Myka's waist over long arms, slender shoulders and down again. Pulled back from full lips the inventor spoke, "Lay down, I'll put on some music." Her accent was honey-coated.

The green-eyed agent happily took the order. She fell onto the bed using her feet to kick off her boots lazily as she spoke, "I can't believe you yelling my name like that with Nate and Giselle."

"A rather odd statement since you hear me doing that very thing nightly," she winked at Myka from the desk chair as she utilized the laptop to queue up some music and added cheekily, "sometimes thrice nightly."

"Damn right its _thrice._" Myka stated confidently. A grin, large and unwieldy spread across her face as she watched the inventor/writer/Warehouse Agent, and all around genius, apply the sum total of her massive brain capacity to looking up make-out music. "Still," she spoke dreamily, "It's incredibly complimentary and charming that you kept on doing it."

Sharing a look of fervent love, Helena spoke, "It has made me better loving you... it has made me wiser, and easier, and brighter."

The words fell over Myka like soft blossoms from a cherry tree. She smiled widely for a moment. Then her face construed and she replied, "Henry James?"

"You know him?" Helena asked eyes still on her task and with annoyance in her voice.

"Uh yeah." Myka began, "He's quite a famous writer."

"That his apt words of love came to my mind presently I concede. Beyond that, the man was mostly an ass."

Myka couldn't stifle a laugh as she asked, "Really?"

The inventor's face, still concentrating on the music selection, brightened as she hit a few more buttons and rose moving to the bed and into Myka's embrace. She leaned in close and spoke, "Some of our philosophies disagreed," she began, "and some of our other inclinations matched more closely than he was comfortable admitting."

"So we're definitely going to talk about all this later you realize." Myka replied. She was so charmed by Helena's literary life and as a student of the past so deeply fascinated. There was no way she wasn't hearing more about this.

The subtle sound of building rhythms could be heard coming from the laptop. It was the long awaited, much scrutinized over, make-out mix. As it played longer Myka suddenly realized what she was listening to.

"Is this U2?" Myka asked her face a mixture of confusion and displeasure.

Helena was attempting to distract the woman with soft lingering kisses on the nape of neck. She answered disinterestedly, "Yes."

The answer didn't satisfy the curly haired woman. Her face contorted into greater confusion, "I don't recognize the song."

Still kissing Helena added, "It's their more recent albums. The older ones I didn't care much for."

Myka laughed incredulously and extricated herself from the embrace. "NO ONE listens to their new stuff! No one ever listens to any artist's new stuff least of all U2! Ugh. I refuse to listen to any artist's new stuff."

Surprised at her love's response Helena quickly got up not wanting to lose the momentum of the moment. "Alright, alright darling please," she spoke putting her hands reassuringly on Myka's shoulders and easing her back towards the bed, "I'll put on something else. Something completely different."

Myka sighed and allowed herself to be guided down. "I'm sorry it's just that no one ever wants to hear anything but the old hits. I don't know why musicians can't understand that."

Hurrying, Helena selected a different list, clicked play and practically dove back onto the bed in her zeal. "I hope you find this selection satisfactory." She spoke before resuming her position applying infinite kisses to a soft neck.

The music began to swell and this time Myka smiled chuckling, "Beyonce?"

"Better? It's all of her most popular songs."

The taller woman threw her arms around the writer and lovingly pressed her body against the smaller frame letting it absorb the smaller woman in sensual warmth. Her response was breathy and hitched with need, "It's a tad epic, but it will do."

Helena smiled that wicked smile and offered, "I think it's more than appropriate, for I believe you and me to be quite epic. A Love for all time. And I should know."

With the chorus from Beyonce's "Halo" echoing in the background, the two lovers lost themselves in each other.

The End, again. This time for real. Unless, maybe not….

_Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read this story. Please consider a review letting me know what you think. _


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